[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 17 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Thursday, February 16th, 2006|
As I lazed in my living room and watched beauty and the geek (Yes, it's a crappy show, but I watch it anyways) I thought about how long it has been since I wrote an insightful entry. I felt kind of bad about this since the whole point of a journal is to be insightful and to grow from what it appears you have learned. So my mind got working and I came up with this, and it all starts with Beauty and the Geek...
The challenge for the beauties was to go to a party, wearing crappy clothes and no make-up and to get guys to buy them drinks. While it's entirely possible (or maybe probable) that the whole thing was staged, the girls "learned" what it was like to be like the geeks out in a situation they're uncomfortable in.
I watched this and thought to myself about why I didn't go out, or why I always find an excuse not to go out with people whenever I'm invited. It's certainly not because of the people who invite me, they wouldn't invite me if they weren't my friends. I think it boils down to my complete and udder lack of people skills. This may seem odd to some people who know me, they know that I don't usually have an issue talking or being sociable. Of the people I know who read this on a regular basis, Hannah is the only one who really knows what I'm talking about, so let me enlighten everyone else (both of you, I think)
See, in everyday situations and places, everyone has a certain way they are supposed to act. In class you're supposed to pay attention and learn, all the while thinking about something else or talking with those around you. Meeting for coffee you're supposed to make small talk (depending on how well and comfortable you are with the person you're with) and sip gently on your cup while listening. These are roles I can play pretty well, and since I know the situations I know what is acceptable and what I'm comfortable with. When it comes to going out however...completely different story.
First, my clothes. I don't have a lot of nice clothes, or what some people would call "going out" clothes. So whatever I choose to wear on a particular night is probably going to make me look out of place. Secondly, and this is the most important thing, I don't know how to talk to people. I have no idea how to talk to people when I'm out in that kind of setting, so I shut up and let everyone else talk. While some people may feel comfortable doing this, I'm not. I like talking to people, once in a while I even have something to add to the conversation...but I never open my mouth unless I'm addressed specifically. I probably end up coming across as creepy, which makes people want to speak to me less. This in turn makes me clam up more and it's a spiral from there.
What causes this Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde effect when I'm out in public? (Hm...a pun, I'm sorry) Well, the most important influence is probably self-confidence...which I still lack by the truckload. Without confidence, why bother going out on what some would consider public display? Why go out where you can be seen by dozens of your peers, only to humiliate yourself by looking/acting like a moron for an evening. If I wanted to act/look stupid I'd stay home and watch TV...at least at home it's natural. I can't do the whole going out thing...I automatically assume I'm gonna look like an idiot and ruin the evening for someone else....that may be a little extreme, but you get the idea.
Secondly, I've never been very good with social first impressions. If I'm introduced to someone or if they recognize me from somewhere, then it's an automatic ice breaker, job done. If we're complete strangers...I seem to forget how to speak, and limit myself to quick responses and almost no eye contact, which probably makes me look either completely disinterested or retarded.
The more I read what I've written, the more and more it seems to revolve around self confidence, which sucks ass. I've tried working on my confidence before, but it always seems that I need someone else's approval before I start noticing a change in myself. The idea seems extremely pathetic to me, which means it's unbelievably pathetic to anyone reading this. It's true though, I don't know how to foster confidence within myself. I don't think I've ever known how...why did I put on sappy music whi;e writing this? It's making me depressed, but keeping me focused at the same time...we'll stick with it for now.
Another reason I don't go out is because everyone else, no matter where I go, is automatically either a) too pretty/good looking to associate with me, b) surrounded by people they would much rather talk to than me, or c) are much "cooler" than I am, thus don't want to be seen near me. Are any of these things true? Some of them, yes. But the majority is just my perception of things, and my convoluted logic just drives me back into my social shell. This comes from a childhood of always being 'that other guy'. All through out elementary, jr. high, and even high school...the only way I became friends with somebody was through somebody else. Maybe there was one person I met on my own, maybe I'll talk about her another time 'cause she's really special to me. Ack, off topic. In grade one I switched schools, not a momentous occasion in my lifetime, but it did take me out of school with my friends I had had all my life into unfamiliar territory with people who had already had a year to get to know each other. I was the odd kid out for the first while until I met Chad, from then on we've been friends (although admittedly, we used to be much better friends before more recent years).
Through out elementary school I got picked on because of my weight, so much that I actually switched schools just to get away from most of my tormentors. Problem is with a new school came the task of meeting new people except these people had been around each other for a lot longer than a year. For the first month I didn't even talk to most people, I don't know if it was fear of being rejected or fear of acting like an idiot, but I with held from any type of interaction. I also kind of turned into a bully at this point, which REALLY didn't help matters. The more I think about it, the crappier I feel because the guys I picked on were (and still are) really great people, one of them is my best friend and I feel shitty thinking about how I treated him at one point. Chad had made friends with some people at his jr. high and through him, I met them and became friends.
Again in high school, I relied on people chad knew to make friends. I didn't develop any new friendships in high school on my own, so maybe I never really developed my social skills in this sense. Or maybe I'm overly shy when I'm around new people. I like to consider myself a good conversationalist and a good listener (*Gasp* Giving myself credit, you might want to write today down, it's a first) so if I can get comfortable around someone, I'm good. Maybe someday I'll figure out how to do that, but I got way off topic...I think.
Probably the last contributing factor to my discomfort in public is the way i look. This is my normal diatribe for describing myself. Blah blah blah, I'm fat, blah blah blah I don't like my face. It's the normal song and dance with me, but it all contributes. let me give you an example of my mindset:
The example will revolve around a girl, you can pick any girl really...well...any girl that I'd be attracted to. As she is most likely the person I would be approaching if I'm in a bar. Immediately (as with 99% of guys) I subconsciously look her up and down and look at her physical traits, it's shallow, I know, but every guy and girl does it. (The first thing I notice in a person is ________ . If that blank is filled with anything other than "How they look" then the person is a blatant liar....unless they are blind. Your eye is going to perceive everything first, it may not be what you look FOR in a person, but it's what you're going to notice about them first.) Then, my mind immediately processes the 'odds' of our encounter. Usually it goes:
80% = She's completely weirded out by you and immediately gives an excuse to get away from you.
1% = She throws her drink at you and screams 'rape'
10% = She humors you for a bit, then gets bored because you're lame and goes to find someone else.
5% = Her boyfriend comes back from where ever he is and immediately deters me
5% = She finds you immediately repulsive and runs away
0% = She'll want to sit down with you and talk
So what does this math mean? 101% chance that I shouldn't even bother. But again, it's all about confidence...maybe I'll figure out someway to kindle the fire within me and keep it going. Oh well, enough of that. I have an exam to slap around in...about 12.5 hours. Hopefully this little spiel has given everyone a little more insight into the internal workings of B.R.A.D. Hm....I like that title. Until next I write, enjoy yourselves and others....but only when they're awake. Current Mood: Subdued
|Tuesday, February 14th, 2006|
Wow, i like how things can get EXTEMELY busy all at once, so I'm taking a short breather now.
Alright, my life in the last two weeks....hehe.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Well, now that that is out of my system, maybe I can make sense.
The insanity started two saturdays ago, not that saturday was bad but it seems as good a day to start as any. As many people know, I am a major geek. I know more about magic (the game, not the activity) then I know about business after almost 3 years of educating...mind you in all fairness magic came first. Along with being the new VP of the gaming club, I am inclined to participate and generally run our monthly magic tournaments. Despite all my knowledge, deck building skills and playing ability, I had never won one of our tournaments. It was extremely frustrating, but it was going to change rather quickly. I finally captured the elusive win I wanted, which has created an interesting trend for our tournaments...we've never had a repeat winner.
The following monday I came to the sudden realization that I really needed to study for my finance midterm (which was on the wednesday). Now, truth be told, finance and I really don't get along. Its not my arch-nemesis (that has the name of Schenk...who I'll start cursing shortly), but nevertheless I loathe finance. I studied for the next 2 days like mad, desperately trying to fit as much finance knowledge as my brain could hold. I wrote the exam and knew I didn't do well, end result? 14/30, failure by one point. I only need 36/70 to get my pass.
That brings us up to friday the 10th...and Schenk. Now I want to make this clear, I'm sure Prof. Schenk is actually a nice guy and could possibly not be a complete moron. I really wish he would try more, 'cause he's not doing so well. His first offense is that he is THE ONLY BUSINESS PROF WHO HAS A CLASS ON FRIDAY! In my 2 years at bishop's the only class that I had on a friday morning was a politics class(where I met one of my very good friends), but business students aren't supposed to have classes on friday...it just doesn't happen. Thus I loathe Schenk once. Secondly, I really REALLY don't want to be in the class. If there's one subject that I am worse at than finance, it's accounting and if I had the choice I would avoid accounting like I avoid...something....not good (It's only 9am and I'm trying to be clever). So it just so happens that Schenk is professizing the class, not his fault, but I loathe him twice. Thirdly, and most importantly, THE MAN IS A WADDLING DISGRACE TO THE HUMAN RACE! A little harsh, but needs no further explanation. The reason why I bring up Schenk is because on the 10th....for my only class of the day.....at 9:30...he lectured for 10 minutes. At that moment I wanted something very bad to happen to him.
This current week, of which it is tuesday. I have an exam tonight, and friday and an assignment due wednesday. Then next week 2 more exams and more assignments. Plus a gaming club event on saturday makes for an insanely busy time up until break, break should be nice. Unbeknownst to anyone back home I am disappearing to Toronto for the first weekend of the break, returning tuesday. I need to salvage approx. $200 which includes transportation, food, and any other expenditures for the weekend....it's not looking good but I'll swing it for 3 reasons. Hannah and Kate, and Susie.
Hannah and Kate I have mentioned in a previous post and are still to my knowledge, amazing. Hannah and I are gonna watch movies all Saturday, or so the plan goes which will be neat. I also plan on cooking dinner Monday night since both ladies will be working/doing other stuff all day. General schinanigans will ensue and a good time will hopefully be had by all...maybe we can play a game where I'm assured to get a turn, like monopoly.
Now, Susie is someone I have yet to introduce to most of you, this is susie (SUSIE)
Ok..it's not really her....she's more than just letters. She's a friend of mine from Michigan (say it with me people, Mi-chi-gan) and she yelled at me for not telling her when I was in Toronto last time. This time when the ball started rolling in my head to go visit for a weekend I told her and she told me she would come "kidnap" me to Michigan for a day. Now, last time I checked, being kidnapped by a cute girl is...well...nice. So I'll definately enjoy.
Another thing that has been stressing me lately has been apartments. My curent roomate hasn't been looking at all for an apartment, then last friday he decided to tell me that he was still undecided if he was going to be back next year or not. Now, I may or may not have taken that the wrong way, but I know that I bloody well panicked and agreed to sign the first one bedroom lease I could find. The apartment was small and shitty, but it was less than $400 a month. So after agreeing to sign the lease on Sunday, Monday I had a change of heart, especially after my friend Marie told me she was looking for a roomate (look everybody, two new people). After looking at the apartment and seeing how large it was, I suddenly became very interested and agreed to having a room there. I must admit she seemed a bit regretful about my decision but we'll have to see. The rent for the new apartment? $280 a month. BRAD WINS!
And now it is Valentine's day, this time last year I was happy, and instead of being resentful of the day I find myself being indifferent. It's snowing outside and I have to meet Marie in an hour to help her with an assignment.....oh shit an hour. I have to be going. But I almost forgot my big news!
I am going to start a contest using my MSN name. It's called "The Reference Game" and it goes as such. Each week my MSN name will be a different quote. This quote will be from a TV Show, Movie or anything else that quits my fancy. It will be up to everyone else to send me a message (via MSN) with the name of the character who said the line and from what show/movie/thingamajig they are from. Each correct guess will be worth 2 points and I only accept your first answer. The prize for such an event? To be named later. Good luck true believers....or everyone else, whichever category you fall under. Current Mood: indifferent
|Monday, January 16th, 2006|
This is one of those day-after posts, I've had time to mull this thought over and I still want to oralize it (well, kind of), maybe it can make more sense afterwards. I also promise myself that this will be the last post about HER for a while.
I was walking down the large hill in our town last night and I walked past her house (as I usually do) and I started thinking about my current situation. Thinking about where I went wrong and if I do date someone else will I be able to make the right changes to myself to be able to keep the new apple of my eye happy? I was under the grave misunderstanding that girls liked having lots of things done for them, and admittedly looking back that is definately not how she liked things. She is a very independant woman and I only see now the error of my ways.
I'll kill the thoughts now, I don't want to date her again. Its not that I regret dating her or that she's not date worthy, it's just that I don't see things going any differently this time around and it would end the same way. That's not what I'm looking for, so I'm at peace with the situation.
So my next thought drifted to become, if I do date someone else, how do I keep her happy? I guess my answer is, I won't know until she comes along. I'd like to think I have an inkling on how to keep a girl happy, and I'm sure others would beg to differ. I do actually have my eye on a certain someone. I don't know her very well, nor if she already has a boyfriend so I'm extremely hesitant to even make my curiousity known. Also there's the usual fears of mine, and such, although the more I think about it, the less it makes sense why I should be worried about this. I can always ask her roomate if she has a boyfriend or not and I can go from there. And even if I do ask her out and she says no, what's the big deal?
Oh well, I'll mull this over a bit and decide from there. I have a package to pick up, a la prochaine.
|Monday, December 5th, 2005|
I seem to really enjoy posting on Monday mornings after just recently waking up, maybe because it's when I'm most thoughtful, or perhaps it just seems like a good idea...meh.
As I was walking home from a friend's place last night I started having a conversation with myself, and was playing two different people. One half of the conversation was myself, the other half was my recent ex. It was a seemingly random thing and didn't lead to anything, then I came to the realization that I've been doing that a lot lately.
Internal dialogue probably isn't healthy because it does two things. One, it allows me to make up these situations in my head that probably would never happen and play them out. Secondly, the "other person" in my conversations will often say things, in retrospect, that they would never, EVER say. Two things that are definately not cool.
So why is this important you may ask? But Brad, whatever could be wrong with innocent, made-up conversations in your head? Lots could be wrong other voices in my head. These conversations never seem to take into account the real world, and they fact that I can't always be smart and say everything I want to say. So they give me a somewhat skewed view of how things can be. Reality knows I'm a coward, my head always seems to make me feel like more than that...push comes to shove...I'm not sure, we'll have to see.
In other Brad related news, I get to go home to Mahone Bay in a little over a week. Personally, I am very much looking forward to going home. My friends back home are going to be a breath of fresh air and the idiocy that is "everytime we're around each other". The threatening of each other's lives, the constant referencing to various cartoons, the insulting of Mike and Cory......more insulting of Mike and Cory. I truly am the Geekmeister, and I'm proud to be so.
Looking inside me, I see a jumble of emotions. My primary concern currently is to make sure I pass all my exams, and thus pass all my classes. My second concern, well, it isn't really a concern but whatever...I want to have fun again. I'm sort of back into a frame of mind where I go day-to-day contented, but lacking true, satisfying, fun. This may not seem like a big thing to most people, but to me it's a necessity. Some people may look at me and equate 'having fun' to 'having a girlfriend'. Settle down monkies, I don't think I'm ready for a girlfriend just yet, but if one came knocking I wouldn't send her away. I don't really consider myself back on the market, but I'm considering any offers.
Let's see, more interesting stuff to talk about, oh yeah! *THUMP* I've been tempted to go on exchange next year. Preferably I would go to Eastern Europe because I want to go to Europe, but I can't really afford Europe. I've been told by one of my European friends (actually, I think she's my only European friend) told me that Eastern Europe is for students that are less financially sound so it sounds right up my alley. The only stumbling block to this is that my average is not good enough for exchange. Currently my average is somewhere around 64%, exchange needs a minimum of 70%. The good news is that I have figured out how it is possible for me to get my average boosted up a bit. Finance is the only mark I am truly concerned about this semester, I hate finance...but I hate economics more.
I think I ran out of interesting things to say two paragraphs ago, I'm sure this sounded more interesting in my head last night. Until next time mi amore.
|Monday, November 14th, 2005|
|My Small Vacation
Ungh, here's an update:
It's monday morning, I've been up for about 20 mins, and I had a great weekend away.
I disappeared to Toronto under a chilly air on friday, hoping to simply enjoy myself. No really great hopes or expectations, however, the first problem arose when I sat down on the bus and reached into where my cds were supposed to be, and weren't. I had managed to leave my cds on my bed, so I was reduced to one cd for the ENTIRE trip. While it was, and surprisingly still is, a very good cd it got kind of repetitive. I arrived in Toronto at 6:30pm and I got to my Hostesses' place around 7. Now, please allow me to introduce my grand hostesses:
Hannah is one of the most amazing people I know. Not only was she nice enough to invite me out to Toronto and tolerate me, but she was able to sit down with me and gave me a lot to think about (more on this later). She was my frosh leader when I came to Bishops and most of the people I told I was going to visit her said "I didn't know you two were that close" or something along those lines, well we are, so tough for all of you :P Hannah was the one who originally invited me out to visit and I'm glad she did.
Kate is Hannah's roomate and I really met her for the first time this weekend, I had been introduced once before when I was out to thanksgiving with heather. Kate, for really only having just met me, was so incredibly nice to me. I'm sure she wasn't overly impressed or overjoyed when Hannah asked if one of her friends from Bishops could stay the weekend, but Kate was nice and said I could stay. I got along with her really well, even though she got mad at me for doing dishes (is there really anything wrong with trying to be a courteous guest?) and I'm glad I could make a good impression. Both Hannah and Kate gave me an open invitation to come back whenever I wanted. I won't be able to afford going back often, but it's nice to know the invite is there. I mean, what straight guy would turn down an opporunity to share a small apartment with two sexy ladies for a weekend? Not this one.
Now as for the purpose of my seemingly random excursion to Toronto, this again was two-fold. The first was to break out of the Lennoxville bubble for a weekend and relax, this was perhaps the most important reason for escaping. While I enjoy Lennoxville and most of the people in it, as with anything in life, people need a change in life. You can only look at the same route to campus four or five days a week without going batshit and bite the head off a kitten. So a change of scenery did me some good.
My second reason is that Hannah has become my unpaid counsellor to ensure my sanity. It's one thing to read kind words over MSN and, no matter how sincere they may be, they still may not carry the same meaning or may not really sink in as much as something that is said face to face. I felt kind of bad about it but I sat on Hannah's couch with her until the wee hours of the morning telling her all about why I feel so shitty about myself and she gently put me back in place with some very kind words (more later, actually after this story) and I got to learn more about Hannah which I am glad I could. I have a lot to think about now and it's all thanks to Hannah and Kate (who in her own way helped me out, just in an unofficial way. Thanks Kate) I'm gonna thank both of them again and I'd love to do this all over again...maybe next time I can afford it.
But yes, on to actual events of the weekend. We (Hannah, Kate, Hannah's boyfriend Steve, myself) went out for dinner on Friday and we ended up eating at a greek restaurant, which was coincidentally named Mr. Greek....this may or may not be coincidental, but it was kinda cool...and weird. The food was really good and reasonably priced for what you got. I told Hannah that dinner was going to be my treat before I even showed up so there was no arguing. After dinner we went on a half hour search for dessert. Dairy queen ended up being closed (at 9pm, which is pretty early) then another dessert place was closed whose name escapes me so we ended up going to the Sugar Shack. To anyone who has been to Halifax and remembers the Freak Lunchbox, it's like that. A big candy store, it was cool. I got POP ROCKS. I love pop rocks, but I can never look at them the same way since Steve and I had a conversation that also included the perversion of Fun Dip. Ah good times.
Saturday night was Castle Risk, and Hannah had built me up to enjoying this game. Then Chud (Hannah's friend) decided to destroy me before I even got my first turn. Oh well, another game I suck at. So I was quite disinterested the rest of the night. At one point I went outside to cool off and saw some strippers coming out of the club Hannah lives next to, not a grand event, but I saw them. Saturday ended uneventfully and at 3am I went to bed. Sunday morning I tried to get out without waking anyone, but I think I managed to wake Kate, although she claims differently. In either case, weekend = completely relaxing.
Now, the things I have to think about. Hannah made some very excellent points to my ramblings over the weekend and I've come to a few conclusions...
1) No matter how little being a 'nice guy' may ever get you in life, I would much rather be a nice guy than a jerk.
2) Not everything is my fault and there are some things I can't stop, this was a big one...there's still one issue I want resolved before I completely accept this point.
3) I really do have a lot to offer to people, this is probably the hardest one to accept because of my disposition for the past....almost decade. This was one of those things I needed to hear face to face as opposed to online, because there has been someone telling me this for a while now...but it was hard to believe.
These are the major things I need to really think about from now on because I have no reason to believe Hannah was lying when she told me these. That was my weekend in a nutshell, nothing super exciting, but it was nice... Current Mood: grateful
|Thursday, November 3rd, 2005|
Alright, so I'm supposed to have this paper done for tomorrow so Mel can send it to the prof to have it prof read it ahead of time. Slight problem, my head is a mess of thinkings and right now my stomach is churning due to my excessive caffeine intake in the last 4 hours without anything substantial in my stomach. I might just go puke and get it overwith, but we'll hold off for now.
My body apparently doesn't appreciate the synthetic wake-ups so much as it used to. I have survived a night with only mountain dew energy by my side and it didn't screw with my stomach this bad, maybe it was the cold coffee....that may have done it. I had a glass of water to try and dilute it, hopefully it works.
The other side effect of being really gross feeling is that now I can't sleep due to excessive caffeine. Unfortunately, my brain doesn't want to think about how to market cell phones. My thought process is "How do we entertain ourselves for the next 5 seconds? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Now?..." you get the idea.
Lately I've caught myself being more bitter and hateful than usual to people, not necessarily people that don't dserve it, just people in general. There's only a few select folks who's presence I can tolerate willingly for more than ten minutes, I'm glad to at least have a few people like that especially right now.
This break up is messing with my head and body in a realy unusual way. As I said earlier (see a previous post or two...maybe two) there's no hatred or anger or anything like that, it feels like there's a big ball of sadness sitting in my stomach. One of my friends said it was grief, but really no one was lost. She's still around and we'll talk eventually, so I don't think it's grief. The main problem with this feeling is that I don't really know how to get rid of it...crying didn't help, anger didn't make me feel better. I think I just need to break stuff more. My first act of public vandalism was a very up lifting experience and it made me feel a little better. If anyone has some property they want destroyed they should let me know so I can take care of it for you.
Confidence check: not so good still. It was suggested that I turn into a man whore for the remainder of the school year...I don't think I'd make much, but its feasible. So if any of you Lennoxville ladies are looking for a fun night (or even you nova scotian chicks if you want me for xmas) you can find out where to reach me. (On second thought, don't reach me, you have cooties).
Ok, bed time...I think.
|Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005|
I stole this from a certain Hannah :D
1. My uncle once: My uncles once stole everything my dad had...I wasn't too pleased about that
2. Never in my life: have I ever had to answer this question.
3. When I was five: I had been alive for 5 years
4. High School was: A blast, playing football at noon and hurting myself in pretty much any imaginable way
5 = the number of times I masturbate per second
6. I once met: The girl of my dreams, she could cook, clean, did my laundry and worshipped my ever whim...then I woke up
7. There's this girl I know who: Made me see the dirty side of produce
8. Once, at a bar: I got drunk. I have no good bar stories
9. By noon I'm usually: Wide awake and getting ready for class
10. Last night: I sat at home and thought too much
12. Next time I go to church: Will be christmas, as usual
13. Terry Schiavo: I'm embarassed to say I don't know about this....consider me a bad person? Tough.
14 = the number of times per day that I think I need to do something else
15. When I turn my head left, I see: A pile of shoes and a closet
16. When I turn my head right, I see: A wall
17 = the number of times per month that it's "the right" time
18. How many days until my birthday?: 62
19. If I was a character written by Shakespeare: I'd be the one that no one loves
20. By this time next year: I hope to be more confident in myself
21. A better name for me would be: better left unsaid probably
22. I have a hard time understanding: why I can't keep women happy
23. If I ever go back to school I'll: Be confused as to why I left
24. You know I like you if: I do my special no-no dance ;) J/K
25. If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: As cheesy as it sounds, it's would probably be my mom
26 = the number of days I can go without food before my stomach eats me
27. Take my advice: if you're stupid
28. My ideal breakfast is: made up mostly of animal...and eggs
29. A song I love, but do not have is: I can't think of any
30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest: You look me up so we can hang out....unless I hate you
31. I need: to be happy
32. Why won't anyone: I can't answer this one
33. If you spend the night at my house: be fore-warned, I'm an early riser
34. I'd stop my wedding if: I dropped dead at the altar
35. The world could do without: me at times
36. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: lots of stuff
37. My favorite blonde is: unknown to me
38. Paper clips are more useful than: nipple clips
39. If I do anything well, it's: Non-existant
40. And by the way: I see dead people
41. The last time I was drunk: I drank 8 litres of purple jesus over the course of a day and proceeded to get sick the next morning
|Tuesday, November 1st, 2005|
*Sorrow filter...kind of*
Well, I've been single again for a little over 24 hours now and I have had quite a bit of time to vent, cry, think, get angry, break stuff, calm down, doubt myself, think more, cry some more, walk, think, not think and ultimately accept things. Yeah, that's more activity than my poor little brain is used to, so rather than explain what happened (if you don't know and are really curious then talk to either of us, I can only say my part of the story) Rather, I'm going to try to clear the air (I'm assuming she really doesn't want to see/speak to me and I know she reads this, maybe?) and I'm going to try and articulate for myself what I'm going to try and take away from this.
First things first, I don't hate her. I don't dislike her, I don't wish ill on her...she didn't do anything mean or hateful to me so I don't see any reason why I would feel that way toward her. Yeah, it was hard to see her earlier today but it wasn't hard on me mentally, it was more of a gut-check to make sure this is ok as I have been telling myself and it was...I didn't break down crying, I didn't run away, I said Hi to her but I don't know if she didn't hear me or if she just didn't want to answer, either way. I think that I'm actually going to walk away from this relationship without deep mental trauma (as my past experience had been) and I honestly hope we can be friends when she's ready. Just so she knows, she has a lot to offer people. I truly want to thank her for everything, I had a lot of fun during the past 9 months (it was close enough) and I hope you feel the same and hopefully I didn't traumatize you too much ;)
Now, during the past 2 nights I have spoken to some of my closest friends about this and most of them have offered me advice in one way or another. One friend in particular said that I could learn from the entire experience, at the time I immediately shot it down declaring that "Nothing can be learned from this". Now that I have thought about it more, there are a few things I can take away from this. I've learned that I need to really learn to have fun and enjoy my own company. It was commented that early in the relationship I was clingy, so I backed off (maybe too much) and I found myself wishing to see her everyday. While this may be viewed as sweet by some, it is also kind of pathetic. I still have a lot of "me" work to do and I guess I was trying to give her all the happiness I could muster without really trying to keep any for myself. I can only speculate that maybe my constant desire to do everything for her might have scared her (a lot?) so this is something that must be improved.
I learned that not all girls are sex-crazed lunatics who can sometimes stay faithful. I had such serious doubt about my ability to maintain a relationship without sex and I'm a better person for sharing such a relationship. I learned that, despite my best efforts, I can't do everything and not everyone likes having things done for them. This is something else I'll have to work on as this is a terrible habit of mine.
The real work begins on myself as I try to rebuild my poor self image all over again. One thing being in a relationship does is it gives a person confidence. I carried myself with a different swagger when we started dating, I didn't care what other people thought because at the end of the day I knew someone cared for me. Now that I don't have that mental backing anymore it's going to affect me, I know it will. I won't be as confident in myself, I've already been blaming myself (which isn't good so I've been told, and I agree with) and all my negativity is slowly coming back. going by my past record it will be another 3 years before I have another girlfriend, maybe sooner if I can figure out this trap called dating.
I've never considered myself attractive to much anyone, except maybe the blind. I guess I put too much emphasis on my exterior look and I neglect to look at the other things I can offer...I've been told I'm a good listener, which unfortunately makes me a poor talker. I've been told I'm a kind person, I guess lately it depends who you ask. I'm not really sure why I continually let my exterior destroy my few good qualities, but again it is something I need to work on.
Before I end this, I wanted to say a few more things to you hun. This is the talk we should have had months ago but I could never work up the nerve. You are very sweet and kind and amazing, but you need to learn to share those qualities with other people. A friend of ours asked me some questions about you and I admittedly couldn't answer half of them. They were just little personal questions but I really didn't know the answer. I partially blame myself for maybe not remembering, bt you're not likely to share personal things with other people...if you let people see just how amazing you are, I think things would go amazingly for you. I know some lucky guy will eventually show you everything and make you happy forever, and I wish you everything good in this world. If you ever want to talk or anything, you know how to get in touch with me.
I might be going on vacation to Toronto in the not too distant future to visit with a generous friend of mine who is willing to spend sometime with me, I think. Nothing is set in stone yet, but maybe a little getaway would be nice. Oh well, 3am is showing on my clock so bedtime it be. No fancy way of signing off tonight, simply goodnight. Current Mood: weird
|Monday, October 3rd, 2005|
|The epic battle
Alright, it's another restless night in Lennoxville and while I'm in a slightly better mood (Underline slightly) than I was earlier, I figured I might as well indulge myself in a little creative writing. Consider this a rant if you will but I really don't intend it to be, this is a discussion I've had with myself over the past few years that I'm going to share with you my research notes and my findings; The differences between a geek, a nerd, a dork and a stupid. Yes, A stupid, you'd have to have spent a number of long, painful hours around Doyle and I to understand the origins of the stupid (quite frankly, I'm not sure which of us started using stupid as a noun) nevertheless, onward and upward.
The nerd is indigenous to your local library or science lab. The nerd can range to all sizes of human, but generally lacks most muscle mass on all parts of the body. The nerd has no real self-defense mechanism except for it's massive intelligence of most things useful. It's diet is usually small to non-existant as constant researching or "learning" consumes most of the nerd's social time. Coincidentally, the nerd can usually be found in the company of other nerd talking about most things smart. The defining trait of a nerd is usually a pair of goggles attached to the forehead (not for protection, but for looks) or the thick-rimmed glasses that help the nerd read small print in its books. Nerds are mostly harmless and carry no known diseases.
The geek and the nerd can share similar traits as their kinds have been known to cross-breed in the past. Unlike the nerds however, some geeks have an abundance of physical girth due to a poor diet consisting of take out and yoohoo soda. You are most likely to find the geek hidden in your local comic book/gaming store, or perhaps in their room planted infront of their most recent World of Warcraft session which has lasted for the last 15 hours. Unfortunately for the geek, its brain is mostly consumed with trivial and often completely useless information about their particular forte. There actually exists subdivisions within the geek environment, some prefer to call themselves trekkies, some describe their religion as "Jedi". The one advantage that the geeks do have over the nerds is their followings inexplicable ability to attract beautiful females to their kind. It's friggin unbelievable! I personally know a very attractive nerd who would like to say she is different, but she is a trekkie through and through, so she's stuck.
Without a doubt the WORST people on the planet are the stupids. These idiotic people go against all rationale and all reason to make themselves feel like they are truly gods amungst ants...and they make me sick. Thankfully, most stupids end up destroying themselves in one of two fashions: 1) Through some fantastically painful manner, like exploding, then imploding a dozen times or 2) Through some hilariously idiotic manner, like having a knife fall through their eye as they are trying to kill the birds on the powerline. There are actual online awards awarded to the stupids called the darwin awards, awards given to the men and women who do the world a favor by removing themselves from the gene pool. Unfortunately, stupids have the ability to bring down the intelligence of everyone they encounter thus creating more stupids so AVOID THESE PEOPLE AT ALL COSTS!!!!
Now, the point behind this you might ask? Well, to cause a discussion....if the right people get a wiff of this they will argue me into the ground and I'll be more than happy to prove I am right. I am happy to announce that I am 100% Geek, I play geek card games, my head is stuffed full of jeopardy trivia that will never get me anywhere in life, it's settled. I hope you've enjoyed my forray into science, as all scientists like to do, I shall summarize my findings for you.
In short summary:
Nerd: Smart, knows useful stuff
Geek: Weird, knows trivial, but ultimately useless stuff
Right...I forgot to tell you about the dork. Well, in true geek fashion I shall inform you that a dork is in fact a whale's penis. It's true, look it up at http://www.pmbc.com/fact.html
and you'll also see a lot of other useless crap. Well, until next time....FLYING NUN-BOMBS!
|Saturday, October 1st, 2005|
As I laid in bed last night, unable to fall asleep...my thoughts drift to you...
They drift to how you make me feel...you make me feel so good...so happy. I lay there thinking of how you made me feel when we first started dating, you made me feel special...just in the little things you would do, probably without even thinking about it. You didn't know it then and you probably don't know it now but you've had me since then...
Then my thoughts go to how I was before you...I was miserable and scared and hateful of everything I was and had been. I still don't like myself...part of me still hates me and always will. It's only when I'm around you that I never think of such things, because I know you see parts of me that I could only ever dream of seeing...if you don't you're awfully good at hiding it. I never want to see you sad or hurt...I want to do everything within and everything outside of my power to keep you happy...everytime you say you love me it makes me glow inside and I can't help but smile, everytime I see you unexpectantly it makes me smile and I'm filled with this warmth that doesn't go away...my thoughts of you helped me make it through the summer and I'm glad you're different from those in my past...the past hurts a lot.
There's so much I want to tell you, but I'm afraid to tell you because it's so much...it's hard for me to keep it all straight. I'm going to try to put it all down here and maybe you can make some sense out of it...
I want to give you everything your heart desires, no matter how small the desire, I want it to be yours. It hurts me everytime I think about how I disappoint you, and I know I disappoint you at times. You're so far above me, yet you constantly bring yourself down to my level and bless me with your affection...you could have any guy you choose yet you choose me and I'm thankful for every moment of your time that you give to me. This is starting to sound really stupid and I'm starting to ramble...and now I don't know what else to say...crap
I needed to get that off my chest and there's a lot more, but I don't know how to write it right now...
|Saturday, June 18th, 2005|
Before I start, happy birthday to my little bro and happy (early) birthday Ashley.
Now that those are out of the way, I fucking hate this time of year. June isn't really a good month for me. June means that christmas is 6 months away, my birthday is seven months away and it means summer is coming...and I hate summer. It's not that I hate summer so much as I hate the heat that is associated with summer. I'm a big guy, heat bothers me a lot more than cold does. So those factors make me not like this time of year. I can't even look forward to June to letting me be out of school, because now I'm done in April so June sucks. My real hatred for June started in 2000.
It was 5 years ago tomorrow, father's day, the weekend of my brother's 10th birthday, when things all went wrong. Dad picked my brother and I up at mom's place around noon and wanted to go to a car show. Now neither myself, nor my brother have ever showed great interest in cars, but dad really wanted to go so we agreed without arguement or hesitation. The car show wasn't as bad as I expected, so the day started great. Ever have that feeling like you know that something is going to go wrong, but you don't know when or where? Well I had that feeling since dad had picked us up, foolishly I ignored it.
After some lunch at dad's place, dad had a surprise for us...he was going to buy us a used sea-doo to use at our Aunt's camp. Before he bought it, he wanted to try it out to make sure it worked. So, we went out to Molega Lake in Chelsea and my brother and I busied ourselves with our cousins who were at the camp already. I came down to flat rock (where most of the boats on our side of the lake were launched from) and there was dad's friend laughing, but dad was no where to be seen. I asked dad's friend what was so funny and he said that dad had flipped off the sea-doo. This is where the tale gets grim...
A side note that you should know before I continue, my dad had been a fisherman for 24 years and did NOT know how to swim.
I informed dad's friend about dad's inability to swim, no sooner had I said the words then dad's cries for help could be heard. Dad's friend got in the explorer and peeled to the other side of the lake to try and get help, I ran back to the cabin to call 911. I didn't know the address of the camp but I only realized this as I got to the cabin. Someone's parent called 911 and then someone called mom to come pick my brother and I up. When we got home I couldn't think straight, nothing sunk in except my looming fear and my almost asured feeling that dad was not going to make it to tomorrow. I went to bed with a heavy heart and a fearful mind.
I woke up the next morning as if it were any other day, but I knew it wasn't. I was supposed to write an exam that morning and I of course hadn't studied. Mom asked if I was ready and I said I would make do. Then mom said the words I'll remember forever..."You're not going to write your exams hun," as soon as she said that I knew...and I felt nothing. I didn't feel sorrow, I didn't feel upset...I was just numb inside. Dad had indeed made it through to the next day, he died at 2:16am June 19th, 2000.
The reason I am writing about this isn't because I want a pity party, I've had five years to deal with the fact that I won't be seeing my dad until I pass on. But lately I've been having a lot of doubts about how true to my dad's memory I have been. I know I can't let every moment I live be filled with his memory, dwelling on the past only keep us from achieving the future...but I don't think I have been a great example of what he accomplished on earth. I don't think I have honored him sufficiently in my thoughts, words or deeds and I hate myself for it.
I'm not going to try and make my dad seem like a saint, he was a man who had made many mistakes in his life. I lived my first 12 years of my life in fear of my dad, he never hit me or anything of the sort...but the looming fear that he would always petrified me. For the last 3 years I had him, my dad was one of my best friends, we did stuff together and I genuinely loved his company. Which is why losing him when I did hurt so much, I only had him for such a short time and then he was gone. And I live my life, trying to be as good a man or better than he was...and I fear that I'm failing miserably. I'm failing as a brother, as a son and as a friend. This is obvious whenever my brother and I are around each other, when I see that I can never be good enough to repay mom for everything she has done, and when my former best friend of 13 years talks to you three times all year when you live in the same town as he does. Dad is still a taboo subject between my brother and I, we have never spoken about him since he died.
That is what I wanted to get off my chest...I fucking hate the month of June, I fucking hate summer and right now I don't like who I am. Maybe my mind is caught up in the time of year and I'm not seeing things quite right, but I know what I feel, and right now I don't feel good at all.
R.I.P. - James Randall Perry, 1958 - 2000
Loving father, brother and son. May you have found peace at last.
|Tuesday, May 17th, 2005|
After a long absence I have finally returned to this, my still unnamed Journalesque-majober. That will NOT be its name, way too long.
New in my life: My car is on life support. Apparently keeping a semi-rusted car under a million pounds of snow for a few months is a bad idea as things can break. As mom's fiancee and myself were examining my car we noticed that one of my wheel wells had broken. For those of you who don't know what a wheel well is, do a search for it 'cause I'm not explaining it. The moral of this story is that without a wheel well my car won't pass inspection, thus my dilemma. Unfortunately, a search for the part in junkyards has turned up negative, but another car exactly like mine has been found. So for $200 I get a whole car worth of spare parts. Once that part and a few more broken pieces get fixed my frankencar will be roadworthy again. (Yay!)
Also new in my life: I'm home in Nova Scotia. This is a double edged sword of sorts. It is nice to walk into a store and hear "Hello" instead of "Bonjour" and I get my meals cooked for me. The downside is that I'm away from all my Lennoxville friends and I'm further away from HER.
Since I am on the topic of HER (now, tee hee) my brain has been a flurry of activity lately, mostly on the subject of when I can see HER next. Originally the plan was once in July and once in August. Then due to stupid work not having money, the plan was tenatively changed to twice in July and possibly once in August. Yesterday I came to the conclusion that July is way too fuggin'long to wait, if I don't get to hold her soon I will go crazy. I think I've been pretty good thus far, but my mind is small and it can only tolerate so much. So I'm trying to meet with my boss to make up some arrangements that I can go see her in June and August. And god help me if things don't go as planned...ok, that's a little extreme...let's say I will be very displeased if things don't go as I hope.
This will have to be part one of my post since I am tired and scatterbrained. Part 2 coming...whenever
|Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005|
Ugh, moving. Probably the biggest hassle at the end of any school year is the process of moving out of your old living quarters and into your new pad. Thursday the 26th was one of those days where my schedule looked like this:
8am - wake up (because my body refuses to sleep any later without force)
10am - realize that I'm missing notes for my exam that I have to write in 4 hours
11am - after showering and making sure I have what I need for my exam I set off to buy breakfast at Subway.
Noon - Leave subway after meeting friends and realizing I have no pens with which to write my exam
12:30pm - finally arrive at campus and print off my notes for my exam which is in 1.5 hours
2pm - Start writing my exam
3:30pm - After finishing my exam I arrived at my friend's place to help him start moving out of what will become my room
7pm - After almost finishing stuff from my friend's room into the living room we decide to grab something to eat.
8:30-9pm - Start moving the small stuff out of my apartment...you read that correctly 5 hours after starting to clean I was able to get some of my small stuff in the room.
10pm - My friend Nick arrives with his truck after a full day of work to help me move. Now I have to say I felt extremely guilty asking Nick to help me move, especially after finding out he had been working all day.
12:30am - All of my things are finally moved into my new room. After a total of nine hours moving I am done. I am now the proud owner of a strained back and shoulders for my efforts. I wouldn't find out about my winnings until the next morning when I couldn't get out of bed on the first few tries.
Thursday wasn't overly productive since I was still heavily numbed by the overwhelming feeling of self-pity for my beloved disappearing for a few months, but this was almost a week ago and now brings me to my actual topic.
Most people who know me generally wouldn't call ne an anxious person. I can usually go with the flow of what's happening, but I have never been driven stir crazy as fast as Lennoxville has. In less than a week it has me craving to go home. While my new apartment is nice and my roomates are cool, I haven't shaken the feeling that Lennoxville is like a prison and my apartment is a cell. I find myself doing almost anything to entertain myself (except putting away stuff, work doesn't kill boredom, it breeds it).
Aside from getting the hell away from Halifax, I have never wanted to get away from one place so badly. While this isn't in the ferocious "I friggin hate this place" get away from, its a feeling that I need to be either constantly doing something or a change of pace before I really start getting stupid. I mean, Lennoxville isn't a bad town or anything like that...maybe it's the desire to simply have a change of scenery. I can't really put my finger on what is causing my anxiousness...I really wish I could.
I'm happy to report that my raging misery has calmly settled into my brain as a temporary setback. I mean, its only a few months...July is only 7 weeks away and I know I will be preoccupied for at least the first week of when I'm back. The gym will also be occupying a portion of most days when I'm home so I can get rid of some of myself. My goal lies between 30 and 40 pounds, something that is attainable and will make a noticable difference to myself. I also want to lose some weight so I won't feel like a water bed when SHE leans against me.
However, I am here in Lennoxville until the coming weekend when my liberators will arive to whisk me away to a magical land where the ocean exists, the noses are blue and the beer is expensive as hell. Nova Scotia, I'm coming home...eventually.
|Wednesday, April 27th, 2005|
Ever notice how the hardest part of saying good-bye is actually saying the word? It's the last thing you want to say, so you try to avoid saying it as long as possible even though you know you have to say it. You can good-bye every other way and you know you're just lying to yourself, you're just denying the truth that you won't see the other person for a while...possibly a long time, possibly forever.
I've had a night's sleep and a few hours to let the fact sink in that I won't see her for a few months at very least. Last night was one of the hardest things I've had to do in a long time...I had to look her in her beautiful eyes and say good-bye. I know that this isn't forever, it will probably feel that way at times over the summer but our time apart will come to an end. After saying the dreaded word, I walked away slowly and tears came to my eyes and I started feeling miserable. I then started talking aloud as I do when I need to calm down and think clearly, and I told myself that she doesn't need a guy who is mopey and crying for her all the time. She doesn't want a guy who falls to pieces when she's not around. She wants a guy who misses her, but can keep his chin up in the face of adversity and a guy who can't wait to see her again. I'm deciding to take this route instead of the mopey route, 'cause moping won't change anything.
This is seems a little downtrodden for one of my entries, but this is more for me to reaffirm everything I told myself last night. I wanted this in writing (type, whatever) So that whenever I am doubting myself I can look at this, remember that the summer has an end and keep myself strong if not for myself, then her. She may not have asked for it, but to me she is an excellent reason to do anything.
|Monday, April 25th, 2005|
I know you're all eager to find out what's been floating through my mind lately and it can all be summed up in one simple word: summer.
While my exams don't end until this thursday (yay!) summer for me begins on the wednesday prior (huh) and in all fairness, summer doesn't officially start until June 21st (duh) but for the first time in a while, summer for myself isn't going to be a totally joyous affair.
I am definately looking forward to my friends, especially Doyle. He's been my best friend for the past couple of years and I can't wait to be my nerdy self with him at my side. It won't be the same with him living on the other side of the province, but I can always go visit. So many nights spent playing monopoly...oh those were the days...last summer.
I'm also looking forward to going home and seeing my family. As much as they annoy me at times (as families tend to do) I really miss seeing them, especially my mom. We've been close for the past few years and its really weird not seeing her for such extended periods of time, so seeing her and talking with her will be nice. It will also be another summer for my brother and I, we'll see how it goes. I don't like saying that my brother and I aren't close, but realistically you can't say that we are. I guess we're growing apart which makes sense with me being half a country away, but I can't help but feel a little guilty for not being as good of a big brother as I could be. I guess we'll see how long it takes for him to go crazy.
I'm also looking forward to my usual position at the tourist bureau, dealing with those stupid tourists for another 3 months. I really do enjoy my job as it isn't physically tiring, but there are days when I go home mentally and emotionally exhausted. The mental aspect from trying to please everyone and emotionally by forcing myself to stay happy and cheerful to people regardless of how much I want them to walk out the door and wait for the next semi that's coming through to hit them. The people I work with are amazing, and even though I may be losing my favorite partner in crime I'm sure the job will still hold the same charm...unless I win the lottery, then its screw all y'alls.
I really want my car back too. If you have grown up in a small town or in between towns (we call them communities) then a car is the ultimate freedom. I know whenever I get bored, a friend's house is just a short drive away. Also sporatic trips to the city and other adventures are just a tank of gas and a few bucks. Apparently my jalopy took some punishment from the fairly harsh winter in Nova Scotia. The aerial is broke, a tire is completely flat and my battery is kaputz. I've had new tires for the last 2 years but they've never made it to the car so the flat was to be replaced anyways. My battery should still be covered by warranty (oh Crappy Tire where art thou?) so that's not a problem, leaving the aerial being the only cost I really need to incur. That I can live with just fine.
*Sorrow filter* (If you don't wanna listen to me whine, skip this part)
However, with all that I am looking forward to there still looms the thoughts of spending an extended period of time away from my dearest. I knew it was an inevidability when we started dating, so it's not as if I am completely unprepared for it. I just can't shake that sad feeling, knowing I won't be able to see her beautiful smile for a long time. There are plans for each of us to make a trip out to see each other, her taking a weekend and flying out to visit me in July maybe, then me taking some time off in August and flying out to see her. Now I've never been on a plane before, so I guess that could be something to look forward to...but I still don't wanna go that long without seeing her. Last time I wrote, I said that love is in the details...that the finest detail is what makes love as perfect as it is, well the same goes for when your love and you are seperated. I feel this sorrow right in my stomach (and for me to feel anything in my entire stomach is impressive to say the least) and it's almost indescribable. It's not really fear, I have all the confidence in the world that we'll make it through the summer together. And it isn't true sadness because to be sad you really need to lose something or someone and I know I'm not losing her. Its a strange feeling in between that once again can't be described.
I've been getting advice from two people who are on quite different ends on the "relationship spectrum" (patent pending) one who has recently been broken away from, another who has been able to manage a distance relationship for a while now. The advice between the two has varied as one could expect, but it seems as if they are both criticizing my ability as a boyfriend. Now before anyone takes this the wrong way I cherish both of their friendships and their advice has helped me, but they can only see what I have told them. While this is the case with outsiders (as I have been, and acted "all-knowing" when I was) it seems to me that they may in fact know how to be in relationships better than me. At the same time I feel I know what works and what doesn't, and I guess in my second guessing nature I may have thought maybe I was doing things wrong in this time. Maybe I should be pressing harder to spend more time with my beloved before she disappears for the next few months, maybe I should be doing everything I can to milk these last few days of everything I can.
I certainly hope I haven't been doing things wrong...I mean, SHE ,whenever I talk and I say SHE, you should know who I'm talking about, anyways, SHE has had exams to study for and has had a strenuous schedule as of late so I know SHE needs to study. I should also be studying, but I really REALLY don't want to. I have half the essay in front of me, what do you expect me to do? Half the work. I also pride myself in the fact that I don't think I smother my girlfriend. I make sure that SHE has all the space she needs, but maybe she doesn't want as much as I give her? Oh well, as of wednesday she'll have half a country of space...but yes, enough whining and on to the wrap up.
I have the new episode of Family Guy (that is airing on May 1st). Those of you that know me know I am a huge Family Guy fan and I am pleased to say that the new episode is enjoyable. It is basically a half hour shot against Mel Gibson and "Passion of the Christ" which was an interesting idea. I won't spoil the entire episode, but it has the usual comedy one can expect from the Griffins so people should like it. That will be all for now, I still have no name for this thing...kind of annoying.
|Wednesday, April 20th, 2005|
Apparently I actually have to update this thing on a semi-regular basis. Someone suggested I name it "snuggle bunnies"...I refused, a name will soon be granted but until that time...
Now, the subject says "The Obligatory" (for those who haven't read above) but what exactly is it that I feel obliged to write about? Is it War? No. Is it how much I dislike people of different races? No, because it simply isn't true. What I am going to write about is the L-word...not that crappy show on Show Case (although, if I had cable, I'd watch it some lonely friday nights). No, this L-word every knows and I'm hoping you know what I'm talking about by now.
My romantic life has been rocky to put it nicely. A few highs, a few lows, then some undergrounds for being so low. I've done things I'm not proud of...but I think everyone has those moments. I guess if you put me on the bell curve I'm average.
'But wait!' you exclaim, 'How is it that you, Brad, feel like you can talk about the L-word. You're only twenty, you're too young.' Bullocks! That's like saying that twenty year olds can't feel emotion (and unfortunately I have been told this...ugh). A great line in a movie said "...the only reason people endure sadness, is to know the true joy of love." This thought has been on my mind a lot lately, mainly because in a week my sweetheart will disappear to the faraway land of Ontario. This means that I will lose the frequency of seeing her at least once a week to seeing her...maybe twice during the summer. While this prospect does disappoint me, and scare me...I can't let it set me back. I know how I feel and I know how she feels, and it helps set my mind at ease.
'But Brad,' you once again interrupt 'How do you know that it is love?' To answer your question, I just do. I love her, I feel close enough to her to be able to bare her my soul and tell her anything she wants to know. Love is one of those emotions (possibly the only one) that can't be put into words, because you're always lacking a finest detail that makes it wonderful. Ok, starting to get gushy....topic switch
One exam down, four more to go with the worst being this weekend. Now, I have never been a huge fan of either math or economics. I'm also not a huge fan of 100% finals. But combining these factors into two days is a recipe for the school being blown up. I have been informed that the math final is a joke, but for 100% of my mark, do I think it's a joke? I can't afford to. Economics is dead to me, I loathe its' very existence and I hope the entire idea of economics gets taken away and destroyed for destroying too many lives. I'm already planning to take six courses next semester in anticipation of failing. Shoot for a 50%, that's my goal. I've made a promise that anything over 75% and I have to giggle like a school girl whilst wearing a french maid's uniform...but I won't care, I'll have my B.
Ah, that's enough for one day. Studying is calling and I really dun wanna. Alas, life is sometimes all about what we don't really want to do. Until next you read, adios.
|Sunday, April 17th, 2005|
|It's called a blog...right?
First things first, if you're reading this you're probably one of my friends so you'll probably know anything I'm typing here. And since it's public knowledge, I guess I can't really call this a journal or a diary of sorts, people keep secrets in diaries.
I really don't want to call this a personal venting space either because I want to be able to put both positive and negative things in this little piece of existence given to me, almost like what I think is important *Gasp*
Which brings me to the name most of my compsci friends use "blog". Now, to explain I am probably closer to being a french-speaking russian (I hardly speak french, and I'm surely not from Russia) to being a computer guy. I tend (try) not to be a "computer nerd" because that would be an insult to computer nerds. That will be a topic for another time, but I'm getting off topic. It's my opinion that "blog" is a nerd only term, thinking that they are the only ones who really have the priviledge (right?) to use the term.
So this leaves me with quite the dilemma as to what I will call my little piece of the web. Oh well, leaving it nameless isn't such a bad thing is it? Some of the greatest pieces of art of all time had no name....until someone named them. So we'll leave it as that. As far as how the postings will go...I'm liking this whole pointless ramble format I've got here so we'll stick with that. If someone doesn't like it, well, they don't have to read it.
Tell us a little about yourself you say? Well, I'd rather not, but if you insist I guess I could introduce myself to the internet. I'm Brad, Hi internet. Wow, I'm glad that's over. All that pressure, I don't see why people are so worried about this stuff. It's not hard.
Ok, enough useless talk for one day. Perhaps when I actually have something to say I'll add it on here. I'll make sure I put my angst-filter on when I post. I might as well act my age and not my shoe size....most of the time.